He sure knows how to pick 'em. And if Sam were any better at doing this himself, he might share. But he's better at opening doors to others than at opening up himself.
Wonders quietly, if Bucky's sisters are still alive. If he looked them up. If they had any children of their own that Bucky knows about. Or if he chose not to look, because sometimes not knowing is easier.
Sam thinks of Sarah, his little sister who is now technically older than him. Thinks of how he always wanted to protect her, and never realized how staying strong for her kept him strong for himself, too. Thinks of their parents dying, of Sarah's late husband. Of trying to fix the boat, trying to help secure a loan, trying so much just to find one thing he could fix, just to find one thing he could save, after failing to save so much else.
Thinks of Riley, of late night arguments 'cause Sam always made sure he was the first one in the Falcon prototypes. Riley'd thought Sam was trying to push him to the side for the benefit of his own career. Dumbass didn't suspect what was happening until EXO-03 malfunctioned so badly it nearly took out Sam's spine, and figured it out when EXO-04 in turn almost burned all the skin off Sam's back. Thinks of failing anyway, when Riley was shot out of the sky.
Thinks of going into counselling, because it was easier to help others get through their grief and ptsd than process his own alone.
Thinks of coming back to life to find his life in shambles, Natasha dead, Steve pressing a burden onto his shoulders he never asked for and then leaving him behind with nothing but ruin and loss and grief and a legacy he felt unfit to handle. Thinks of how he threw himself into contract work with the Air Force because it was better than going home to Delacroix and lying still in his bed with his thoughts, 'cause at least then he was still helping someone, saving people, doing something outside of himself.
Thinks of unanswered text messages, because making sure Bucky knew someone was still out there thinking of him was easy in a way saying 'I'm losing it, I need to talk to someone who gets it, I'm alone, too' would never be.
Thinks of Karli saying to come alone and Bucky saying 'I'm going with you', and something slotting into place he hadn't really known he needed to feel before. ]
Yeah. People like us kinda suck at that.
[ Sam catches the shield on the right. ]
Back at the VA, when I counselled vets... I remember there were so many pamphlets. They said things like 'Give yourself the same care & attention that you give to others' or 'The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself'. Personally, I hated them. Slogans like that apply to very few people.
[ He holds the shield for a moment, just weighs it on his arm, then glances at Bucky. ]
Sometimes, taking care of your sister and watching her thrive is how you take care of yourself best. 'cause if you show up for people, they show up for you, too, in whatever way they can, even if it's only a laugh or a goddamn hug or the fact that they simply exist and let you exist with them. And if it's good, then it's really good. But they don't show up for you? They don't got your six when you got theirs, or they die, or they leave?
[ He throws the shield. Goes for three targets, close together. ]
Of course the floor drops out under you. Of course you're hurting and angry.
no subject
To the rescue?
Always.
He sure knows how to pick 'em. And if Sam were any better at doing this himself, he might share. But he's better at opening doors to others than at opening up himself.
Wonders quietly, if Bucky's sisters are still alive. If he looked them up. If they had any children of their own that Bucky knows about. Or if he chose not to look, because sometimes not knowing is easier.
Sam thinks of Sarah, his little sister who is now technically older than him. Thinks of how he always wanted to protect her, and never realized how staying strong for her kept him strong for himself, too. Thinks of their parents dying, of Sarah's late husband. Of trying to fix the boat, trying to help secure a loan, trying so much just to find one thing he could fix, just to find one thing he could save, after failing to save so much else.
Thinks of Riley, of late night arguments 'cause Sam always made sure he was the first one in the Falcon prototypes. Riley'd thought Sam was trying to push him to the side for the benefit of his own career. Dumbass didn't suspect what was happening until EXO-03 malfunctioned so badly it nearly took out Sam's spine, and figured it out when EXO-04 in turn almost burned all the skin off Sam's back. Thinks of failing anyway, when Riley was shot out of the sky.
Thinks of going into counselling, because it was easier to help others get through their grief and ptsd than process his own alone.
Thinks of coming back to life to find his life in shambles, Natasha dead, Steve pressing a burden onto his shoulders he never asked for and then leaving him behind with nothing but ruin and loss and grief and a legacy he felt unfit to handle. Thinks of how he threw himself into contract work with the Air Force because it was better than going home to Delacroix and lying still in his bed with his thoughts, 'cause at least then he was still helping someone, saving people, doing something outside of himself.
Thinks of unanswered text messages, because making sure Bucky knew someone was still out there thinking of him was easy in a way saying 'I'm losing it, I need to talk to someone who gets it, I'm alone, too' would never be.
Thinks of Karli saying to come alone and Bucky saying 'I'm going with you', and something slotting into place he hadn't really known he needed to feel before. ]
Yeah. People like us kinda suck at that.
[ Sam catches the shield on the right. ]
Back at the VA, when I counselled vets... I remember there were so many pamphlets. They said things like 'Give yourself the same care & attention that you give to others' or 'The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself'. Personally, I hated them. Slogans like that apply to very few people.
[ He holds the shield for a moment, just weighs it on his arm, then glances at Bucky. ]
Sometimes, taking care of your sister and watching her thrive is how you take care of yourself best. 'cause if you show up for people, they show up for you, too, in whatever way they can, even if it's only a laugh or a goddamn hug or the fact that they simply exist and let you exist with them. And if it's good, then it's really good. But they don't show up for you? They don't got your six when you got theirs, or they die, or they leave?
[ He throws the shield. Goes for three targets, close together. ]
Of course the floor drops out under you. Of course you're hurting and angry.