[ It's interesting, the way Alina reacts to that phrase - the first time, it had been with something like recognition; the second, with a brilliant smile; and now this --
Yes, what she fears is definitely here. And definitely from home.
Nina thinks she's been walking the line of her personal integrity pretty well - she hasn't called Alina out on a lot that she can sense, but then if she spent all her time doing that, she'd never be able to have a conversation with anyone. But with this ice cold, clammy realization - that this fear she has sensed in Alina is a consistent one for her, that it is something dogging her steps from home, Nina finds herself at an uncomfortable crossroads. By far, the best bet is to continue with seeming blindness, at least for a little while longer - to observe, and to determine her best path forward. She hates to see Alina this afraid; she hates to see anyone this afraid, let alone someone who so much depends on, someone whose company she's enjoyed. But Nina's broken away from Ravka and her and Matthais' safety is balanced on a knife's edge, the whim of one man - so it would be better to gather more information and then determine how best to act.
But at this point... would be inauthentic? She tastes copper in her mouth as she remembers what she doesn't want to remember, and if it becomes inauthentic, if it becomes deceptive...
Then no matter what she tells herself about the progression of friendship, this is no longer something real. Alina would become simply an asset, a mark, and nothing about it would truly belong to Nina anymore, just the sliver of herself that she is projecting.
She's had to live life like that before, and she hates it. Does she have the luxury to abandon wisdom, does she dare take try to take hold of what she truly wants - real, or not at all?
Fuck it. She doesn't know. ]
You know... there's what's just politics, all the way back home, and then there's whatever is making it so your heartbeat is racing here. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to tell me. Trust is something that should be earned, even if ultimately it's something just given. But I hope you'll believe me when I tell you that I'm going to do what I can to help you. Even if you weren't the Sun Summoner, you're Grisha - and I think we've all had enough of other people telling us who to be, and how to use or not use our powers. We have the chance here to just be ourselves... [ she trails off, a little lost with where she was going with all this, and not entirely sure how she'd gotten to this point in the first place - that's what comes of opening your mouth in the first place. ] ...and isn't that the point?
[ Just to be themselves, and make the best choices with their power that they can? But it's their power, no one else's. ]
there is... so much tl;dr... i'm so sorry.
Yes, what she fears is definitely here. And definitely from home.
Nina thinks she's been walking the line of her personal integrity pretty well - she hasn't called Alina out on a lot that she can sense, but then if she spent all her time doing that, she'd never be able to have a conversation with anyone. But with this ice cold, clammy realization - that this fear she has sensed in Alina is a consistent one for her, that it is something dogging her steps from home, Nina finds herself at an uncomfortable crossroads. By far, the best bet is to continue with seeming blindness, at least for a little while longer - to observe, and to determine her best path forward. She hates to see Alina this afraid; she hates to see anyone this afraid, let alone someone who so much depends on, someone whose company she's enjoyed. But Nina's broken away from Ravka and her and Matthais' safety is balanced on a knife's edge, the whim of one man - so it would be better to gather more information and then determine how best to act.
But at this point... would be inauthentic? She tastes copper in her mouth as she remembers what she doesn't want to remember, and if it becomes inauthentic, if it becomes deceptive...
Then no matter what she tells herself about the progression of friendship, this is no longer something real. Alina would become simply an asset, a mark, and nothing about it would truly belong to Nina anymore, just the sliver of herself that she is projecting.
She's had to live life like that before, and she hates it. Does she have the luxury to abandon wisdom, does she dare take try to take hold of what she truly wants - real, or not at all?
Fuck it. She doesn't know. ]
You know... there's what's just politics, all the way back home, and then there's whatever is making it so your heartbeat is racing here. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to tell me. Trust is something that should be earned, even if ultimately it's something just given. But I hope you'll believe me when I tell you that I'm going to do what I can to help you. Even if you weren't the Sun Summoner, you're Grisha - and I think we've all had enough of other people telling us who to be, and how to use or not use our powers. We have the chance here to just be ourselves... [ she trails off, a little lost with where she was going with all this, and not entirely sure how she'd gotten to this point in the first place - that's what comes of opening your mouth in the first place. ] ...and isn't that the point?
[ Just to be themselves, and make the best choices with their power that they can? But it's their power, no one else's. ]