[ though there's something in the horrified expression she wears that seems to think, to consider. at least a fraction of her horror is with herself. that's the trouble. he hadn't needed to. she'd thrown herself at him. if ivan hadn't interrupted, if baghra hadn't come—
alina wipes her hand across her mouth. it would be easier, maybe, to forgive herself the error if she hadn't done it again in the medical bay just to keep him from realizing her mistake. when her heart pounded around him, was that the fear or something else? could the answer be both? ]
He— [ voicing it makes it real, somehow, and she stumbles on it. telling nina the truth means committing to what she'd said before — that she really does believe that nina won't turn around and tell kirigan. it would be very, very bad for alina if she did. not only that. somehow worse is that it means nina gets to judge every choice alina has made since coming here — in a matter nina is an expert in, and on a subject no one else has all the information about. she exhales slowly, gathering herself by grabbing onto that rage that sits in her chest whenever she's awake. simmering. it steels her. ] He's not trying to destroy the Fold, Nina. He doesn't want to. He made it.
cw: victim blaming directed inwards, dubcon ref
[ though there's something in the horrified expression she wears that seems to think, to consider. at least a fraction of her horror is with herself. that's the trouble. he hadn't needed to. she'd thrown herself at him. if ivan hadn't interrupted, if baghra hadn't come—
alina wipes her hand across her mouth. it would be easier, maybe, to forgive herself the error if she hadn't done it again in the medical bay just to keep him from realizing her mistake. when her heart pounded around him, was that the fear or something else? could the answer be both? ]
He— [ voicing it makes it real, somehow, and she stumbles on it. telling nina the truth means committing to what she'd said before — that she really does believe that nina won't turn around and tell kirigan. it would be very, very bad for alina if she did. not only that. somehow worse is that it means nina gets to judge every choice alina has made since coming here — in a matter nina is an expert in, and on a subject no one else has all the information about. she exhales slowly, gathering herself by grabbing onto that rage that sits in her chest whenever she's awake. simmering. it steels her. ] He's not trying to destroy the Fold, Nina. He doesn't want to. He made it.