If I can let the memory heal

[unclesam]

WHO: Sam Wilson & Others
WHAT: Catch-All for June (Closed/Open Starters in Comments)
WHEN: Throughout June
WHERE: Throughout Camp Leviathan / USCC Adamant Exploration
NOTES/WARNINGS: Canon typical swearing, some minor injuries, references to PTSD and nightmares, other warnings will be added in threads

I will remember you with me on that field

Comments

[fossils]

[ Not the sort of person you need to coddle, or wants it. Not physically or emotionally. She's had to learn how to offer support, he's had to wrestle with learning to accept when it's offered. He's stiff beneath her arm. Aware of her proximity, and elsewhere-inward at once.

There's not much room for rejection when he's still processing the strange shock.

Six years ago he'd made the call himself to close a portal, and the guy'd survived by the skin of his teeth. Four years of countless close calls. If he trusted anything about the man, it's that when it came down to it he'd already proven that he had it in him to make the sacrifice play. The same any of them would make.

Whatever it takes.

Whatever else they were to each other, it's difficult to imagine a world without Tony Stark.

He's still partially elsewhere when Natasha continues. When Bucky sticks another barb in, and maybe for the first time since they've started this fight he does nothing. Says nothing, doesn't shoot him a look.

Sam continues.

( He's been laid flat on a table like this. Been in a room in a box in a skyscraper. Body numb, aware and not. Explained to about the future. Bits and pieces at first. Carefully, for fear of needing to put him in another kind of room. His lowest point, and he's not sure now that it was made better or worse that he went through it surrounded by strangers at the time.

Natasha's arm is around him, Bucky across from him, Sam speaking. )

Some of what Sam explains he knows. Bucky's pardon. The general consequences of the blip. That Steve and Bucky decided for Sam that he'd be getting the shield. That Sam gave it up, returning to his family. A little bit about Walker. Some of this he wonders briefly who is it for? Just himself? Bucky is behind Sam, he knows. Hasn't been shy about it. Natasha has been the most tight-lipped of the three, and that's no surprise, except that she's noticeably absent from everything Sam's recalling.

He doesn't know about the old man and the ring.

The compass sits in his pocket like a weight.

His guilt, his internalized anger, it's all a weight on his chest that he pushes down with practice.

But that just leaves empty space. ]

I'm sorry.

[ he says, finally. Looking squarely at Sam this time. He's apologized to Bucky in the past couple of weeks more times than he's apologized in his entire life. Yelled it in anger, spoke it solemnly in earnest. Must've said it to Sam by now too. Two words he doesn't toss around easily, not without meaning it. Not without some action intended behind it.

He grits his teeth, and for once this is all he's got.

Five years from now, he becomes someone who leaves all three of them behind to deal with a mess, with barely a goodbye.

It's not someone he recognizes.

It's not something he can undo. ]

[dissemblance]

Okay guys, I think we can ease up on the Cap shaming.

（ it's said lightly, pleasant. teasing. less about what sam said and more about how steve's taking it — but it's a warning, too. she peels back from his side and punches steve's shoulder. hard enough he'll feel it, not hard enough to hurt. they've sparred enough she knows the difference. ）

Give this man an inch and he'll take ten miles and self-flagellate the whole time, barefoot, uphill both ways in snow. That a Catholic thing, Barnes?

（ bucky gets a rather pointed look, her eyebrows raised as she folds her arms. ）

And Steve? You haven't done any of that yet. If I hear you apologizing again, mm — （ in a joking, pitch-perfect mid-atlantic accent, ） — 'To the moon, Alice'.

（ all her english was learned from early american television. sitcoms from the seventies and eighties. earlier. so yes, she knows the honeymooners.

but she's made her point, and so hops up on the nearest table, using a chair for her feet. leans forward a bit, elbows braced on her knees. time to get serious, and sell the lie. ）

Sam's ahead of me, too. But I know Walker's file. I wasn't that surprised they picked him, he was squeaky clean out of Afghanistan. They made a big deal about him way back. Mister three time Medal of Honor recipient. Sariposa, Tarinkot and Lashkargar.

（ medals of honour aren't exactly handed out like candy. it's her business to know things. people who might be useful. people who might be dangerous. walker was being called captain america by the media circuit well before they pulled steve out of the ice in 2012. a long, distinguished career, and the reward of a title that belongs to no one else but two of the men in this room? sure, why not.

she'd be livid about it, if she ever let herself get angry about that sort of thing. ）

For what it's worth, Fury didn't like him much. You could say he's wary of any blonde haired, blue-eyed men being held up as the pinnacle of American excellence.

（ her tone is wry. hands up, anyone in the room who doesn't immediately think of nazis? no? ）

If I had to guess, the big players in DC probably had their eye on him long before Stark's funeral. They were always pretty eager to get a Captain America they could actually control under their thumb. Turns out Steve Rogers is pretty bad for business on the PR front. They could've asked Brandt about that one. Might've saved them some time.

[freightcars]

( That a Catholic thing, Barnes? He answers dryly, automatically; )

Half Catholic.

( Himself, anyway. All his dad forcing it on the family, god forbid they get to retain anything from his mother's side.

...he reluctantly weaves into a nod, because he does actually know the answer. )

-but yes.

( He's also completely ignoring the warning and reverse-guilting happening there, because she's not even his real mom and he can do whatever he wants.

(he tells himself)

Since they're taking this opportunity to bash on Walker, the second Nat finishes up and he can offer his sage input again he's jumping on that train. )

He's an idiot. The government has its hand so far up his ass I'm surprised it's not triggering his gag reflex.

[unclesam]

Ain't on you, Steve.

[ He means that. This Steve hasn't done any of it. And wouldn't. It makes Sam wonder how he's carrying the weight of loss right now - but knowing it's fixed must help that crack. Where somewhere between 2018 and 2023, Steve Rogers broke under the trauma of unimaginable, countless losses and couldn't live in a present in which he had no way of knowing if he might not lose his friends all over again, fleeing into a past in which he knew the exact outcomes and wasn't at risk of having to bear further losses before their time... this Steve, at least, has a silver lining, no matter how inconceivable the details must understandably feel to him. ]

For what it's worth, you looked at peace.

[ And as for Walker...

Thanks again for coming forward with the shield, Sam. It was the right decision.

He can still feel that clammy hand in his, and conjure up that fake smile. Wonders why they bothered with the charade of even putting the shield behind glass like Sam wanted, when they were clearly ready with Walker, when at no point in any of this Sam's wishes had actually mattered.

Three medals of honor.

There wasn't enough left of Riley to be shipped back in a box. Classified all over his file. Whole thing smeared into the desert sand and sold as a tragic accident doing routine training maneuvers. Fireworks still bring Sam right back into that dark night, weaving and dodging through explosions in the air. Riley died trying to save people. What exactly Walker was awarded medals for, Sam doesn't know. But he's seen enough of the man and knows enough about that war to hazard a wild guess or a dozen.

While we love heroes who put their lives on the line to defend Earth, we also need a hero to defend this country. We need a real person who embodies America's greatest values. We need someone to inspire us again. Someone who could be a symbol for all of us.

And he can still remember what it was like to crumble away into nothing, flaking away atom by atom as if he'd never even existed at all. Watching Walker presented on TV day after they'd shaken his hand and thanked him for laying the shield to rest in the Smithsonian had felt just like it.

He should have known better. Sam prides himself on being an optimist with people, with individuals, and a realist with the world at large.

Sam knows he's fallen silent a little too long here, and tries to keep his mind on what matters. ]

Yeah that... doesn't last.

[fossils]

[ The punch to his shoulder has him blinking a few times, eyeing Natasha with a grimace barely concealed behind a tight, closed lipped smile.

This is the other side of being known. Care that feels like it'll never not feel half like coddling. Rankles more than it soothes. Takes effort not to reject outright. To reconcile.

You haven't done any of that yet.

(but you're all sure that he has to)

For what it's worth, you looked at peace.

(sounds like what you say to a dying man)

He's quiet again as they talk, his gaze shifting from one to another. His features shift more solidly toward grimacing, and he shakes his head. ]

Never heard of the guy.

[ Walker.

Kind of a non-entity right now. ]

[dissemblance]

Count yourself lucky. Wish I hadn't.

（ it's a joke. as much as anything here even can be. four people pulled together, across time and space and death, each their own island of misery.

she studies sam as she speaks. she needs to make time for him later. see what's up. ）