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Entry tags:
If I can let the memory heal
WHO: Sam Wilson & Others
WHAT: Catch-All for June (Closed/Open Starters in Comments)
WHEN: Throughout June
WHERE: Throughout Camp Leviathan / USCC Adamant Exploration
NOTES/WARNINGS: Canon typical swearing, some minor injuries, references to PTSD and nightmares, other warnings will be added in threads
I will remember you with me on that field
WHAT: Catch-All for June (Closed/Open Starters in Comments)
WHEN: Throughout June
WHERE: Throughout Camp Leviathan / USCC Adamant Exploration
NOTES/WARNINGS: Canon typical swearing, some minor injuries, references to PTSD and nightmares, other warnings will be added in threads
I will remember you with me on that field
[Closed: MCU Cast] Do you remember standing on a broken field?
[ Sam bounces his leg lightly where the sits. He pulls the goggles off his head - Redwing's out there circling the camp, and things have been quiet. No need to stare at the insight of the red visor and monitor the data permanently.
He rubs a hand over his face, then downs the rest of the galaxy's shittiest coffee to chase away the fatigue that's creeping into the cracks and edges, eyes settling on his friends with a hard swallow.
Sam doesn't get scared. Sam doesn't run away from shit. Right now, he wants to strap on the wings and spiral up into the sky, and away from a conversation he doesn't want to have.
I can catch you up, he'd told Steve. And: But I need Bucky for that. I need my partner. He'd meant that - the thought of talking through this shit once is bad enough, doing it several times, and doing it without the person who was at least there for some of it, feels... impossible. He looks at Bucky for a moment, then at Steve and Natasha.
Right. ]
So... we playing at the galaxy's weirdest high school reunion, yeah? Any preferences on how we do the awkward catch-up talk? 'Cause I don't have a neat slide show ready to go, but I wanna get us all on the same page. Kinda tired of us tripping over each other's landmines.
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He provides a helpful, lazy: )
Nope.
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Been waiting on you guys.
[ He's the farthest behind. And it's all he's been asking anyone since they got here. ]
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All in favour of keeping the clowns to ourselves say 'aye'.
（ just to break the tension. ）
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Hey.
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[ What? He can't help it, the set up was right there, and when it comes to quips, Sam's not gonna say no to low-hanging fruit. Besides, he can use a moment of levity before he takes this entire bus and drives it off a cliff. Sam glances at Natasha. If nothing else, catching them all up to one another will help her navigate whatever she's selling, too. All Sam knows is that Natasha doesn't want Steve to know, and he might not be thrilled to lie to Steve about that, but it's also absolutely not his truth to tell. ]
Alright, we can keep the clowns from Steve, he don't gotta know about those. [ Does that make Natasha the clown now? Well... ] Lemme start with the battle.
[ He keeps the parts before that brief, because he has only heard some minor debriefing about that. 5 years, until Tic Tac shows back up who didn't get dusted but was lost in a parellel universe or some shit like that, he shows back up, a time travel plan is concocted that Sam admits to barely understanding, the Infinity Stones are plucked out of various points in the past and gathered together, a new gauntlet is built. Banner is permanently Hulked out, snaps to bring everyone back. The last 5 years aren't undone, but everyone who was dusted reappears as they were, where they were, although Bruce insisted like half a dozen times that he made sure people who were on planes and in other precarious situations reppeared in the closest approximate safe space or something. Bucky, him and a bunch of other people reappear in a thicket in Wakanda, 'some wizards explain that Thanos is back and time is of the essence' - Sam sees the look on Bucky's face and barrels right ahead, leaving no room for the wizard vs sorcerer debate in which he is right and Bucky is wrong. Sam also doesn't mention seeing the broken, shattered body of Vision and wondering if anyone was gonna bring him home, because there was just no time to do anything but leave him there. What he talks about instead is the battle at the Avengers compound against a time travelling Thanos and his army, because that's just their life these days. ]
Oh, but dude. [ Sam reaches over and lightly punches against Steve's arms, eyebrows going up. ] You fight with Thor's hammer. Worthy and everything. Pretty impressive. Anyway... questions so far? 'Cause I ain't gonna answer them, I barely understood this shit the first time around.
[ He rubs a hand over the back of his neck then, staring down at the table. And that leaves... snap number 2. There wasn't meant to be another one, far as Sam could piece together after, but Thanos' presence ruined the day, and it became a battle to keep the stones out of his hands - again. So he tells them - Steve, mostly, because Nat already figured this one out. About how Stark gets his hands on the gauntlet, and he uses the stones. Wipes out Thanos and his entire army. And then Sam adds, quiet and soft, because this is a complicated tangle of emotions for all of them: ]
Stark doesn't make it.
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Sam punches his arm and he gives a tight, forced half smile. A light huff to the reveal about Thor's hammer. But he shakes his head, lets Sam continue without the interruption of questions. Maybe the time travel parts still don't make sense to him, but that's not what's got him feeling like there's at least one more large shoe ready to drop in this story.
Stark doesn't make it.
His brow pinches. Eyes flick to Bucky, then Natasha. Each a question.
Doesn't hold them for long. His chin drops, shoulders hunched as he stares at some spot on the ground.
Gonna have to give him a minute to process this one. ]
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steve looks at her, and it's half a question. the mask doesn't slip — she would die for him, but no one she would die for has ever been entitled to all of her. she has all the appropriate reactions. a flicker of amusement when sam talks about steve lifting the hammer (she always knew he could). the way her jaw ticks to one side when he mentions stark.
but she knows that steve's well aware they aren't telling him everything. he's too smart not to guess. he just doesn't know which way to pivot, and her speciality happens to be keeping people on their toes.
(she knows she's being selfish. she knows it. but her death is her business. she saw how knowing what happened to barnes affected him. and the last thing the world needs is for him to get the bright idea to do something like change the past. more than he apparently already decided to, anyway.
the soul stone always needed a sacrifice. it was always going to be one of them. if she deserves nothing else in life but the freedom to make that choice and make it count, she'll fight to keep it.)
she comes over to steve, wraps an arm around his big, stupid shoulders. showing support to other people is a learned rather than an innate skill she possessed from childhood. it was something she had to choose to value. she'd been working on it, before the blip, but afterwards it was something she got good at. her way to honour sam.
gently, ）
He had a nice funeral. First guy who gets to say he had actual extra terrestrials attend, you know he'd like that clout. （ she gives him a tiny little shake, leans her head against his shoulder. ） And the guy who already died once to save the world doesn't get to be a hypocrite, huh?
（ steve isn't the sort of person you need to coddle. soldiers always know how to navigate loss. maybe that makes her a hypocrite too. ）
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He has some seriously complicated feelings about Stark. Guilt is probably a surprise to no one, considering he probably seems like a collector at this point, but still. If you kill the parents, you shouldn't get to outlive the son. He also still has no intentions on being the one to spoil Natasha's death-day surprise, so he's a largely useless participant throughout everything, until now. )
Then a couple hours after the funeral, you suit up and head out. Think that pretty much gets you up to current events. Well...
( He shoots a look at Sam. )
Current for me, almost.
( He still doesn't know what happens after that unpleasant jailhouse therapy session and parking lot argument with fake Captain America. Have either of them mentioned that yet? )
Sam's apparently ahead of me, too.
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Sam, though, glances towards Bucky. Remembers the complicated tangle of guilt in blue eyes from the funeral as if it were yesterday. Comforting Bucky had been easier than focusing on his own complicated tangle of emotions. Grieving Natasha while everyone else was focused on paying tribute to Stark.
And the guy who already died once to save the world doesn't get to be a hypocrite, huh?
It occurs to Sam that they all did. They all died to save the world. And not all of them got to come back from that, but he can't voice how unfair that is. So he watches Bucky in lieau of asking 'you good?' out loud, and keeps his hands under the table to rub the feeling back into his finger tips. He's flesh and blood, not dust and ash. He's fine. ]
Secretary Ross was at the funeral.
[ His lips twinge a little. He's still not sure if that had been more out of respect for Stark or because there were a couple of wanted fugitives in attendance. Guy didn't push his luck, at the very least. Sam brings a hand up to rub at his forehead briefly. ]
Bucky knew what you were gonna do. I thought something had gone wrong when you didn't show back up. And then Bucky pointed you out. Old man sitting on a bench by the shore of the lake not too far away. [ Didn't even say good-bye. Another friend and partner lost. ] Wedding ring and all. You didn't tell me about that when I asked. Passed along the shield and told me it was mine. And I mean, what was I gonna do, say 'hold up a minute' while you and Bucky looked so proud and pleased about it?
[ He frowns down at the table for a moment, doesn't look up at the rest of them for a moment. ]
Everyone sort of... scattered, after that, everyone had their own shit to handle and messes to clean up. I guess we all had our burdens to carry. Ross dragged those of us who were still kind of wanted fugitives to New York. Bucky's pardon came with the most strings attached. Mine was easy, just came with sympathetic questions about who I was gonna pass the shield along to, and who the next Captain America was gonna be.
[ He looks at Bucky first, then at Steve. ]
They didn't ask if you'd given it to me to keep. They assumed I was the bellhop merely dragging it around. So... I went... home. To Louisiana, not DC. My place there's long gone. Government kept calling asking about the shield and what was to happen to it. So I took contract jobs with the Air Force to dodge the pestering. Tried to do some good - world's a mess. Millions of people showing back up out of thing air created a lot of problems. Jobs, housing... Couple months in, I got some intel on a group rallying the displaced behind them, organizing raids. Stealing supplies, mostly. Medicine. Governments were pushing people out who had found homes during those five years, who'd been able to cross borders and find shelter. Government's trying to push back the previous status quo. Those left behind by something like that tend to get angry.
[ His jaw clenches. ]
And you gave me a shield that to everyone left behind is a reminder of the nation they're getting left behind by. So I figured it would be better put to rest and remembered well by the people who saw the meaning you gave to this symbol.
[ He looks at Bucky again, briefly. Knows this Bucky hasn't figured that out on his own yet, and has lost the context in which he would have. ]
Government agreed. We had a lovely ceremony at the Smithsonian. Felt like a tribute to the friend I lost. Like a funeral. They told me I did the right thing. Real sympathetic stuff, honestly. Day after, I see them announce the new Captain America on the news. Blonde, blue-eyed John Walker, shield on his arm and all. Nice uniform, too. Fought in the same war I did, ironically. Got a couple medals. They were ready with the press conference, the posters, the marching band and celebrations. Within a day - so they probably started prepping this since they saw me with it after the funeral.
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There's not much room for rejection when he's still processing the strange shock.
Six years ago he'd made the call himself to close a portal, and the guy'd survived by the skin of his teeth. Four years of countless close calls. If he trusted anything about the man, it's that when it came down to it he'd already proven that he had it in him to make the sacrifice play. The same any of them would make.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever else they were to each other, it's difficult to imagine a world without Tony Stark.
He's still partially elsewhere when Natasha continues. When Bucky sticks another barb in, and maybe for the first time since they've started this fight he does nothing. Says nothing, doesn't shoot him a look.
Sam continues.
( He's been laid flat on a table like this. Been in a room in a box in a skyscraper. Body numb, aware and not. Explained to about the future. Bits and pieces at first. Carefully, for fear of needing to put him in another kind of room. His lowest point, and he's not sure now that it was made better or worse that he went through it surrounded by strangers at the time.
Natasha's arm is around him, Bucky across from him, Sam speaking. )
Some of what Sam explains he knows. Bucky's pardon. The general consequences of the blip. That Steve and Bucky decided for Sam that he'd be getting the shield. That Sam gave it up, returning to his family. A little bit about Walker. Some of this he wonders briefly who is it for? Just himself? Bucky is behind Sam, he knows. Hasn't been shy about it. Natasha has been the most tight-lipped of the three, and that's no surprise, except that she's noticeably absent from everything Sam's recalling.
He doesn't know about the old man and the ring.
The compass sits in his pocket like a weight.
His guilt, his internalized anger, it's all a weight on his chest that he pushes down with practice.
But that just leaves empty space. ]
I'm sorry.
[ he says, finally. Looking squarely at Sam this time. He's apologized to Bucky in the past couple of weeks more times than he's apologized in his entire life. Yelled it in anger, spoke it solemnly in earnest. Must've said it to Sam by now too. Two words he doesn't toss around easily, not without meaning it. Not without some action intended behind it.
He grits his teeth, and for once this is all he's got.
Five years from now, he becomes someone who leaves all three of them behind to deal with a mess, with barely a goodbye.
It's not someone he recognizes.
It's not something he can undo. ]
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（ it's said lightly, pleasant. teasing. less about what sam said and more about how steve's taking it — but it's a warning, too. she peels back from his side and punches steve's shoulder. hard enough he'll feel it, not hard enough to hurt. they've sparred enough she knows the difference. ）
Give this man an inch and he'll take ten miles and self-flagellate the whole time, barefoot, uphill both ways in snow. That a Catholic thing, Barnes?
（ bucky gets a rather pointed look, her eyebrows raised as she folds her arms. ）
And Steve? You haven't done any of that yet. If I hear you apologizing again, mm — （ in a joking, pitch-perfect mid-atlantic accent, ） — 'To the moon, Alice'.
（ all her english was learned from early american television. sitcoms from the seventies and eighties. earlier. so yes, she knows the honeymooners.
but she's made her point, and so hops up on the nearest table, using a chair for her feet. leans forward a bit, elbows braced on her knees. time to get serious, and sell the lie. ）
Sam's ahead of me, too. But I know Walker's file. I wasn't that surprised they picked him, he was squeaky clean out of Afghanistan. They made a big deal about him way back. Mister three time Medal of Honor recipient. Sariposa, Tarinkot and Lashkargar.
（ medals of honour aren't exactly handed out like candy. it's her business to know things. people who might be useful. people who might be dangerous. walker was being called captain america by the media circuit well before they pulled steve out of the ice in 2012. a long, distinguished career, and the reward of a title that belongs to no one else but two of the men in this room? sure, why not.
she'd be livid about it, if she ever let herself get angry about that sort of thing. ）
For what it's worth, Fury didn't like him much. You could say he's wary of any blonde haired, blue-eyed men being held up as the pinnacle of American excellence.
（ her tone is wry. hands up, anyone in the room who doesn't immediately think of nazis? no? ）
If I had to guess, the big players in DC probably had their eye on him long before Stark's funeral. They were always pretty eager to get a Captain America they could actually control under their thumb. Turns out Steve Rogers is pretty bad for business on the PR front. They could've asked Brandt about that one. Might've saved them some time.
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Half Catholic.
( Himself, anyway. All his dad forcing it on the family, god forbid they get to retain anything from his mother's side.
...he reluctantly weaves into a nod, because he does actually know the answer. )
-but yes.
( He's also completely ignoring the warning and reverse-guilting happening there, because she's not even his real mom and he can do whatever he wants.
(he tells himself)
Since they're taking this opportunity to bash on Walker, the second Nat finishes up and he can offer his sage input again he's jumping on that train. )
He's an idiot. The government has its hand so far up his ass I'm surprised it's not triggering his gag reflex.
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[ He means that. This Steve hasn't done any of it. And wouldn't. It makes Sam wonder how he's carrying the weight of loss right now - but knowing it's fixed must help that crack. Where somewhere between 2018 and 2023, Steve Rogers broke under the trauma of unimaginable, countless losses and couldn't live in a present in which he had no way of knowing if he might not lose his friends all over again, fleeing into a past in which he knew the exact outcomes and wasn't at risk of having to bear further losses before their time... this Steve, at least, has a silver lining, no matter how inconceivable the details must understandably feel to him. ]
For what it's worth, you looked at peace.
[ And as for Walker...
Thanks again for coming forward with the shield, Sam. It was the right decision.
He can still feel that clammy hand in his, and conjure up that fake smile. Wonders why they bothered with the charade of even putting the shield behind glass like Sam wanted, when they were clearly ready with Walker, when at no point in any of this Sam's wishes had actually mattered.
Three medals of honor.
There wasn't enough left of Riley to be shipped back in a box. Classified all over his file. Whole thing smeared into the desert sand and sold as a tragic accident doing routine training maneuvers. Fireworks still bring Sam right back into that dark night, weaving and dodging through explosions in the air. Riley died trying to save people. What exactly Walker was awarded medals for, Sam doesn't know. But he's seen enough of the man and knows enough about that war to hazard a wild guess or a dozen.
While we love heroes who put their lives on the line to defend Earth, we also need a hero to defend this country. We need a real person who embodies America's greatest values. We need someone to inspire us again. Someone who could be a symbol for all of us.
And he can still remember what it was like to crumble away into nothing, flaking away atom by atom as if he'd never even existed at all. Watching Walker presented on TV day after they'd shaken his hand and thanked him for laying the shield to rest in the Smithsonian had felt just like it.
He should have known better. Sam prides himself on being an optimist with people, with individuals, and a realist with the world at large.
Sam knows he's fallen silent a little too long here, and tries to keep his mind on what matters. ]
Yeah that... doesn't last.
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This is the other side of being known. Care that feels like it'll never not feel half like coddling. Rankles more than it soothes. Takes effort not to reject outright. To reconcile.
You haven't done any of that yet.
(but you're all sure that he has to)
For what it's worth, you looked at peace.
(sounds like what you say to a dying man)
He's quiet again as they talk, his gaze shifting from one to another. His features shift more solidly toward grimacing, and he shakes his head. ]
Never heard of the guy.
[ Walker.
Kind of a non-entity right now. ]
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（ it's a joke. as much as anything here even can be. four people pulled together, across time and space and death, each their own island of misery.
she studies sam as she speaks. she needs to make time for him later. see what's up. ）